Total Eclipse of My Heart

Forget Edward and Jacob. I have a real dilemma here, folks. Not a dilemma that would threaten the beating of my heart, per se, but a real and serious dilemma nonetheless. My heart-wrenching saga begins with a mid-thirties love affair I am having with the BYU Creamery. When I was a student at BYU many moons ago, I paid no mind to the brick-laden temptress sitting so unassumingly on the corner of 900 East and 1200 North. Each day, I diligently walked the worn paths between Helaman Halls and my classes across campus without so much as a glance in her direction. There was no deviation from my course. There was no temptation. I could not hear that siren calling from the east. But now, on the eve of my 35th year, I have fallen victim to that vixen of the heart. Blame it on hormones. Blame it on the countless trips I make to her storefront for work related pick-ups. Blame it on anything but my unending human weakness. And now I am a prisoner, drowning in the consequences of my choices and feeling the burden of heavy eyelids from too many carbs in my bloodstream. I am torn between the two new obsessions of my life...BYU's mint brownies and BYU's ranch dressing. Which one do I love more? I simply cannot decide.

I had two mint brownies left over from a work sponsored function the other evening. I ate them the second I walked in the door this afternoon. I had opened the fridge door looking for a late lunch and became absolutely giddy at the sight sitting on the left-hand corner of the lower shelf. There, in a clear plastic tupperware with blue lid, was a masterpiece of mint and chocolate. And it was all mine. I sat at the bar eating those little squares of decadence thankful that they would no longer be around to toy with my waning willpower. However, as I am an indiscriminate person and always desiring to keep the playing field even, I sit here typing my despair while slurping creamy, ranch dressing drizzled over my pretty green romaine leaves. Torture I tell you...torture.

I believe I can now sympathize with poor Bella Swan's plight. Does she want the cold, refreshing one or the warm, exotic one? She loves both extremes but can only keep one in her life. If she chooses Edward, Jacob will never speak to her again. If she chooses Jacob, Edward will cease to exist. Which one should she choose? Which will she want by her side day and night? Which one will she never tire of? The answer, my friends, may not be as simple as mere speculation might offer.

I have found that there are many similarities between my indecision of food and Bella's indecision of men. For instance, BYU's mint brownies are rich, smooth, and velvety. They are a beautiful brown color and are warm and comforting. The curves of the layers make you want to dive right in and get lost in the fantasy of the moment. Upon first indulgence, a smile spans your facial features as the combination of mint and chocolate gives you a little rush when their sugars dance upon your taste buds. In my particular situation, every bite I take makes me want to take another and before I know it, I am dizzy with an impending diabetic coma. Although beautiful and inviting, they are short-tempered little squares of danger, aren't they?

On the other hand, BYU's ranch dressing can be equally as tempting. Although its packaging isn't quite as attractive (C'mon, girls, are we really going to argue over who has the better body?), its taste is intoxicating and leaves you yearning for more. Why just yesterday in my office, I was searching for anything I could dip into that little vat of heaven...carrots, lettuce, blue corn tortilla chips, pretzels, cheese sticks...nothing could satiate my thirst. Admittedly, even though the dressing is very pasty in appearance, and could deter a person from even dipping a fork tine in it, its ingredients combine to form a culinary symphony.

To further complicate matters, I feel it only fair to mention that I do not particulary like, enjoy, or prefer ranch dressing. When I am operating under my full faculties, I only choose dressings which are oil based, red wine vinaigrette being my favorite. Why I have been sucked into this torrid affair is beyond me. You see how the consequences of our choices can be devastating. And to make matters worse, BYU has all these lobbyists lurking in every corner of my office building! I am hearing much to do about Graham Canyon ice cream. Stay away from me, evil people! I am now resigning myself, as you are my witnesses, friends, to abstain from eating BYU Creamery products. The brownies are gone. I will encourage my husband to finish the half liter of dressing in the fridge. I was crazy to think that this saga would not threaten the beating of my heart. If I continue to eat this way, my arteries will clog with cholesterol and triglycerides and my heart will give out from overexhaustion. This is why we women are only meant to have one love in our lives. The emotional trauma from multiple obsessions is crippling to not only our internal organs, but to our waistlines as well! Curses!