♫ You Drive Me Crazy ♫

As you hum the tune to Britney's pop hit, take a minute to entertain yourself by answering this early morning pop quiz.

Which of the following is the most used catch phrase in the Amonett household?

A. What is that smell? X, did you poop? Gram, did you?
B. Gram, is this your blood all over the kitchen?
C. Did we adopt a puppy or is Gram shedding all over the recliner?
D. Gram, don't be upset, George Bush loves you! ♥ And so does Mitt! ♥
E. Gram...Gram...Gram! Can you hear me? What did I just say?
F. No, Gram, the doctors did not make up your heart condition.
G. Gram, it is not 1945. Of course you can't see. Although you are emotionally attached to your 65 year old eyeglasses, your prescription has changed since then.
H. Gram, sponge baths are not an acceptable form of proper hygiene. For your convenience, we have provided a personal shower with hot running water and a complimentary bar of soap.
I. Gram, who are you talking to? There is no one in the room with you. (Alternately) Gram, are you enjoying that conversation with yourself? Gram: I am just practicing what I am going to say to you. Me: Oooohhhh-k. This isn't speech class, Gram. Just go from your gut.
J. Gram, no one is trying to steal your money. The Republicans are not out to get you. They are, however, listening in on your phone calls.
K. Gram, have you ever heard of E Coli and Salmonella? Yeah, they are your buddies now that you insist on leaving raw meat on the counter. See that fridge? Meat lives in there.
L. Gram, of course it is your right to go on a hunger strike to protest the undemocratic processes of the Amonett regime. However, this house is a republic and you are still taking your pills.
M. Yes, Gram, I am gaining weight. It tends to be a chronic side-effect of pregnancy.
N. Gram, Xavier did not steal your eyeglasses. He also does not read your Harlequin romances or move your bedroom furniture around. He is three.
O. No, Gram, Jonah and the Whale was not the beginning of Mormonism. Jonah and the Whale is a story in the Old Testament, i.e. the Bible.
P. Gram, it is not snowing in the house. Perhaps your cataracts are providing a midwinter's ambient glow.
Q. Grammy, are your ears broken? (My personal favorite compliments of Xavier.)
R. Gram, are you 84 or 4? You cannot disown all your great-grandchildren.
S. Gram, stop swearing at our three-year old. He might swear back at you.
T. Do we have any alcohol?

If you answered T, and noticed the double meaning of T, then you are a winner! Even though you may hear these phrases several times a day at the Amonett house, each one is usually followed with, "Gram is crazy. I could use a drink."

Today, Gram is scheduled for a long overdue hearing test. We have been encouraging her to discover the wonderful world of audio for several years now. After a non-successful ear surgery in 1971, and being in denial for 40 years, all we have heard about is the expert, professional, medical opinions of her elderly sisters. When Gram is asked which one of them is a doctor, we get a blank stare in return. We should know better than to question a Portugee. There is no faster way to incite feistiness and prejudice than questioning a non-hearing Portugee. All you non-Latins please take note. So, (insert trumpet fanfare) Gram has reluctantly agreed to get one hearing aid. Maybe now that she will be able to hear out of one ear, Dancing with the Stars will not have to broadcast at a decibel level so intense that Martians will be forced to invade our planet just to see where all the noise is coming from. On the flip side, Thaus and I may not be able to get our humorous yet unruly digs in anymore. I guess we will have to find another form of entertainment, or worse yet, learn to rein in those we love you deep down, yet wish you came equipped with a mute button independently sarcastic tongues of ours.