A Second Chance At Love

November 2007, OBGYN office, Payson, UT

As many times as I sit in this office waiting for my turn to see the doctor, my eyes meticulously scan the same four walls, vertical blinds, and athletic photos of my physician. Doctors' offices may seem cold and sterile at times, yet this one is filled with eclectic touches of the past, uniting the highlights of years gone by with the achievements of present day. There is a hope of the future in this room, although no tangible evidence to prove it. Perhaps the hope resides in me, or possibly it is merely my anxiety bubbling to the surface. This room could definitely use a modern update, but the echo of the past, as apparent in the wall paper, carpeting, and dated decor, makes me feel oddly comfortable, like lounging in my favorite pajama pants while visiting with a friend. The doctor enters the room, examining me one last time after a three and half month recovery from delivery. He tells me I have successfully fought the infection and abscess, but I am so physically scarred from the trauma surrounding Xavier's birth that the chances of me ever carrying a child again are slim. I could tell he was trying to be optimistic but I didn't care. I had my baby to love. I waited eleven years for that sweet boy. I was pretty sure the joy he brought into my world would carry me for the rest of my life.

January - April 2010, Provo LDS Temple, Provo, UT

The temple is my favorite place to be. I wish I could visit daily, or at least weekly. There is an overwhelming aura of peace here, of satisfaction in the work I am doing, a feeling of great accomplishment. The serenity and beauty of my surroundings help me to escape my secular cares, and it is the quiet opportunities of reflection and communion that call for my constant return. During my time here, I often pray that my service within these walls will be accepted, that I will be worthy to give of myself, and that my understanding of spiritual truths will be expounded upon. I also selfishly, and with a slightly unbelieving mind, pray for a second miracle in my life. I long for Xavier to not experience life a lone sibling. I desire for him to know the love that bonds brothers and sisters, that unites them in all things temporal and spiritual. I know it was a lot to ask for and even though part of me doesn't think it will happen, I continue to pray.

May 2010, Physicians' Clinic, Lehi, UT

Conversations between sisters can be interesting...injected with emotion, caring, concern, humor, and even an unexpected surprise or two.
"I am not feeling well and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Can you run some tests?"
My sister Andi efficiently takes some samples. "Do you know you have a urinary tract infection?"
"No. Is there anything else wrong with me?"
Andi begins, "I am running another test right now." She pauses only briefly before an explosive "Holy s***!" escapes her lips. Andi's voice reverberates down the hall and into the reception area.
"What?!"
Her voice, rising an octave higher and louder, is a cross between a teenager's screechy exuberance and a sing-song melody. "You're pregnant!" she exclaims as she jumps up and down and practically tackles me to the ground, pushing me into the modular desk lining the far wall. "I'm so freaking excited!" One of the other medical assistants in the area is visibly amused.
Caught off guard, I question her in a disbelieving tone. "Are you sure? How did this happen? It can't be. Are you sure?"
"You know how this happened and yes, I am sure! Let's run some blood work on you now." She shows me the double line on the pregnancy test and I stare at it with skeptical eyes, walking away, circling around, staring at it, walking away, circling around again, wearing crop circles into the commercial grade carpeting.
It takes awhile for the news to successfully pass through the rational and logical sectors of my brain, and thankfully I have to take Gram to another doctor's appointment so I have some time to think about how and when to tell my husband.

Later that evening my husband is installing cabinets in the laundry room and I return from taking Gram to the doctor...

"Hi. Do you want your Father's Day present early?"
"Huh?"
"Do you want your present early?"
"Not really. I am trying to hang these cabinets."
Not willing to be put off I continue to press. "'Cause you can have it early if you want it now."
Thaus shakes his head and appears slightly irritated that I insist on interrupting his work. "Okay."
"Follow me in the other room. I have something to show you."
"Is this going to take long?" Thaus and his mini shadow Xavier follow me into the master bedroom.
"Close your eyes." I proceed to take my pregnancy test (sealed in a ziploc baggie) from the side pocket of my purse and wave it in his face. "I'm pregnant."
"Huh?"
"I'm pregnant."
"What?"
I enunciate with great emphasis, "I'm pregnant."
Thaus is still obviously confused and gives me the what are you talking about look.
"See, here's the test. I'm pregnant. Due in January."
Showing no change in emotion he gives me a hug. "Well, that's cool."
Okay, so I guess I could have been a little more tactical and creative in my approach and not tried to tell him when he was in the middle of a home improvement project. At least he'll have eight months to get used to the idea.

Eight months later...
January 17, 2011, UVRMC, Provo, UT

7:25 a.m. Ready or not, here comes baby!



A few hours later...
I forgot how badly these contractions hurt.



2:43 p.m.
We have a boy...and I can breathe again!



I heard the nurse announce Emerson's weight at 9 lbs. 5 oz. and his length at 20 inches. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. When Emerson was placed on my stomach immediately following the delivery, I marveled at his size and wondered how he fit into such a small space just moments earlier.



Emerson's face was bruised from him pushing so hard and moving so quickly through the birth canal. I dilated from 5 cm to 10 cm within 30 minutes. Although I had an epidural (which numbed everything except my bum), I could feel the contractions without any pausing between them. When Emerson decided he was ready to come, he practically "cruzed" his way out! I only pushed for ten minutes, I believe it was three sets of pushes in complete, when I heard the doctor announce, "We have a big baby here!" My father has always said that if Name babies aren't nine pounds, we have to throw them back. Emerson just barely made the cut! In case you are wondering how Emerson got to be so big, his momma was a whopping 9 lbs. 3 oz. at birth. With my sisters tipping the scales at 10 lbs. 7 oz. and 10 lbs. 2 oz., it is no wonder that Emerson is a true Name baby, created in the spitting image of his Grandpa Skip.

I have to thank my sister for resuming her role as birthing coach extraordinaire. She told me when to breathe, when to push, and when to not panic. Emerson's feet were lodged so far into my chest that I had difficulty capturing enough breath to last the ten seconds of each push. I could feel my anxiety levels rising for fear I was suffocating, but she helped me retain my focus. You might ask where Thaus was in all of this. At the head of my bed, out of my view, supervising the process. Although he declined cutting the umbilical cord, I was just so happy that he made it through another delivery without requiring oxygen or nursing care himself.



Although Emerson greeted this world only three days before his due date, he had difficulty breathing. His lungs would collapse when he tried to breathe and would stick together, not allowing him to obtain another full breath. The nurse laid him on my chest and used this breathing apparatus to help stimulate his breathing.



Emerson appeared to be breathing well enough that the nurses allowed each family member opportunity to hold him before taking him to the nursery. First in line, however, was Xavier, the most excited big brother there ever was.



My nurse, Christy Cram, handed Emerson to Xavier. After the amazing care I received from Christy, I am convinced she is the best labor and delivery nurse in all of Utah County. She is like part of our family now. I appreciate all that she did to help make me comfortable and ensure Emerson's birth was a time of celebration rather than a time of stress.



Now that Emerson was bundled up tight, Xavier was ready to return to more comfortable surroundings. He gently commanded, "Okay, let's take him home now."



Xavier takes his new role as big brother very seriously. He is so proud of his baby Emerson.



First kiss.



Emerson becomes acquainted with his Grandpa Skip, Grandma Sandy, Grandma Karen, and Aunt Angie. Everyone appears to be all smiles until...



...he sizes up his Aunt Andi. The look on his face is priceless. Already a comedian and less than an hour old. He must take after his Grandpa Skip in more ways than one.



It is difficult to put into words the anticipation you feel before you hold your child for the first time. For the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I wondered about the lines of Emerson's face, who he would favor in the family, what color his eyes would be. That first embrace between parent and child is somewhat ethereal in nature, as they who are given to us bring the spirit of heaven with them, pure in each and every way possible, radiating nothing other than the love from whence they came, even the love of those who watch over them. That was the only time I was able to hold Emerson that day, as he was whisked away to the NICU soon thereafter. At that time, I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to hold him again for another day and a half.



Time seems to pause only for one brief moment as we welcome a new member into our family. That is the funny thing about time. In my own struggle and race against it, I can never seem to make it rewind, freeze, or fast forward. Whether it feels to be moving in slow motion or disappearing too quickly, I have found that I can cherish the moments time gives me or feel encumbered by them. As I entered the NICU that first time and took in my surroundings, peeking into the incubators filled with tiny bodies fighting for time, my heart melted. Over the course of the next five days time became an emotional burden to me, yet was a physical blessing for Emerson. We both needed that time to become strengthened in our own ways and to grow from our experiences. Even though I wanted to fast forward to the good part, to escape the pain of the present, I realized that in doing so I would have missed some of the best parts, the tender moments inbetween.