The Call of the Wild

Deer. Guns. Ammo. Camoflauge. Can't you just feel the excitement in the air?



There are few things in life that get a man's heart pumping like the sound of the word Cabelas. You need only mention it in passing and his ears will shoot upwards like a coonhound trailing the scent of a squirrel. Aside from a wide variety of hunting, fishing, and outdoor adventure supplies, Cabelas has dead animals. Lots and lots of dead animals. They have live ones too, but the fish are a lot less scary than this guy who woke up to find himself on display:



A couple weeks ago I suggested to Thaus that we plan a family outing to Cabelas, a popular tourist destination located on the outskirts of the Uinta National Forest. It would be a chance for us to spend time together as a family and have a little adventure only 32 miles from home. And it was free. That was the best part.

For an urban woman, it is difficult to foresee the affect Cabelas will have on a man when returned to his natural habitat. My husband, (who is as non-outdoorsy as it gets), immediately transformed into Rusty the Redneck's sidekick the moment we walked into the sportman's paradise. Before I could ask for directions to the fishtank, Thaus was checking into gun licenses and gnawing on a strip of beef jerky.

I hesitate entering massive outfitters like Cabelas because it's like keeping track of your kids in an amusement park. Everyone sees an attraction and makes a beeline in various directions. It is all I can do to keep pace with X, make sure Gram isn't harrassing strangers and trust Thaus can GPS his way back from the handheld gadget station. At least the baby can't get too far from me. I wish I could strap all of them into a portable carrier attached to the shopping cart. It may look a little funny to outsiders, but moms everywhere would appreciate the sanity as they treat their families to a night on the town.

Our first stop on the open trail was the trout pond. Xavier wasted no time hitting us up for moolah to feed the fish.



He even snuggled up to me for a quick shot in exchange for a couple quarters. What you don't see is how I had to show him the goods beforehand. I smell intense playground negotiations in his future...



I love the little guy they have guarding the trout. Instills fear, doesn't he?



And yes, please do not throw money into the water yet feel free to throw as much as you want at me.

As we traveled from continent to continent, I found myself in awe of the vast array of taxidermy. Where else but Cabelas can you travel the world in a matter of minutes? From the warthogs to the polar bears to the antelope-looking fella being called to dinner, there is such exotic entertainment while you shop for that perfect orange, tan or green-hued vest.



Xavier would not be Thaus' son if he was not conditioned to ask for shiny things that catch his eye. Passing a Sprint store with Thaus is almost as painful as taking Xavier to stores that carry miniature versions of adult-size toys. With a sparkle in his eye he states, "I want this."



"Sorry, buddy. How about we get a treat on the way home?"



Pitiful, isn't it? But what kind of mother would I be if I didn't limit the ratio of trucks, trailers, and plastic ponies migrating their way into my home?

Fortunately, I managed to distract X by showing him the captain's seat of this fine-looking pontoon boat. Men always want to be in the driver's seat, even if they aren't really going anywhere.



After touring the old-fashioned candy store, Yankee emporium, and walk-through aquarium, the third overhead PA announcement informed me it was time to take my hunter and gatherers home. Besides, you know you have outworn your welcome when the men in your family start beating their chests and speaking in one word sentences.

Ah, Cabelas, thank you for the thrilling outdoor adventure from east to west. We appreciate your warm hospitality, fine cuisine, and world-class entertainment. Our family will surely cross paths with you soon for when the wild comes calling, the Amonetts come crawling.