Lip Smackin' Good

On numerous occasions throughout my life I have heard the adage: It doesn't matter what is on the outside. It's what's on the inside that counts. I used to think only ugly people said that. Now, I think it applies to novice cake decorators too.

I successfully completed Wilton Course 1 for basic cake decorating. And when I say completed, I mean I received a certificate with my name hand-printed on it...and with a non-gel rollerball pen nonetheless. Seriously, who uses cheapo Bic disposables anymore? Oh yeah, Wilton instructors who are full-time college students. I tell you, state and federal deficits follow you everywhere.

My class was four weeks in length. I baked two 9" round cakes and 24 standard size cupcakes. I did not decorate my first cake (which was chocolate) because I had such a hard time icing it. It looked like it had been through a blender, or perhaps a mini tornado, or battled a natural disaster known more simply as Erika. When my instructor was personally showing me the correct way to make sweet pea flower buds, I told her my flowers looked like they were having epileptic fits. She laughed; I think I will have to practice some more or get really good at star flowers.

So here is a quick recap of my month-long class:
Week 1: Learn about all the tools necessary to be successful in Wilton Course 1. Have a mini panic attack trying to figure out how to acquire all those items on a limited budget and a non-50% off coupon week at all the local craft stores.

Week 2: Learn how to not ice a cake. Practice making cute star flowers and writing techniques. Try to cover up crumbs with rows and rows of star flowers. Invest in wrist guard for newly activated carpal tunnel syndrome. (I did not take a picture of this week because it was shameful. Yes, shameful. I also did not want to be reminded of my initial attempt at becoming "decorator extraordinaire" or more aptly put, "decorator from the seventh layer of hell".

Week 3: Practice on cupcakes! So much easier to frost. Why didn't we do this sooner? Learn figure piping, in case anyone wants a clown or perhaps a pig on his/her cake. Oink, oink, baby! I did not even attempt figure piping as I was simply trying to master moving my knuckles from the 9:00 to 12:00 position in one fluid movement while applying equal pressure to my speed of movement. Wow! This is a lot of effort for one little flower and no one told me physics was going to be involved.



Week 4: Learn how to make leaves, stems, bows, and clusters of roses. Wrestle with icing consistency. Decorate a spice cake and show it off to anyone who will look at it, just like a newborn babe. (And I better not catch any of you pulling a Kramer. You all remember the 1994 Seinfeld Hamptons episode with the breathtaking baby. It may have goobers, but even my cake isn't that unfortunate!)



Alas, friends, just as empires rise and fall, so do cakes. I just glanced over at my 2/3 eaten beauty to watch the center rose section fall to its demise. Gravity...the natural enemy of shortening-laden frosting and 34 year old boobies...which brings me back to the beginning of my story. Now matter how bad your goodies look, you know there's a guy out there who will be all over them!

Now on to the next course...