Confessions of a Sugar-Addicted Workaholic

Life can be difficult. We all know that. At times, it can even seem brutal. Lately, I have felt that my life is requiring me to take some extra deep breaths and then I realize I am under water and taking deep breaths probably wasn't my best idea. The aggravation of my trials has been building up in me and instead of working through them like a normal person, I have been taking my anxiety out on the unsuspecting (although idiotic) drivers on the freeway.

I have been told that the writing process can be therapeutic as well as cathartic; I thought I would write not about my frustrations per se, although I am sure they will seep through, but about some little known (or even well known) facts about me.

1. First and foremost, I am on a schedule. For the safety of everyone involved, please do not hinder or interrupt the pace.
2. I plan for contingencies. So far, so good.
3. It appears that I am not spontaneously fun. I can be fun, but I need a minimum of 72 hours advance notice to plan for it.
4. I haven't slept through the night in 2 1/2 years. Not only am I ornery, I have invented my own dialect of the English language. Just today I told my sister that I couldn't speak legibly.
5. My favorite occasion to decorate for is not the Fourth of July (I heard that gasp) but Halloween. I send more Halloween cards each year than for all the other holidays combined.
6. Sometimes when I meet people, my first thought is, I wonder how often they shower.
7. My eldest child is constantly in trouble. For this reason, I am thinking of shortening his given name to "Dammit". It would save my husband and me time in the long run, and be less confusing for the child since he most likely believes his name is hyphenated anyway.
8. My concentration and/or focus on magnifying church callings ebbs and flows with the moon's gravitational pull. For instance, the guilt I feel for being a sub par visiting teacher is greatest during the last two weeks of the month and virtually undetectable during the first two weeks, yet when you add them all together and divide by four, there is no remainder left for me to have a moderately guilty week. I am sure that that is the week I would be compelled into action. Yes, absolutely convinced of that.
9. I am an overachiever by nature, yet sometimes feel satisfied with doing the bare minimum. See #8.
10. I have gone from drinking Diet Coke once, maybe twice a week, to daily. I have added Cherry Coke Zero and Vanilla Coke Zero to my repertoire. The Coca-Cola family has become my new best friend. Plus, they give me rewards for drinking their sweet nectar. The way I see it, we nurture a win-win relationship.
11. I am addicted to exercise. I am perfectly okay with neglecting my family in order to get my daily fix.
12. I dislike people who are openly judgmental; it would stand to reason, then, that I dislike myself. Surprisingly, I don't struggle with this. I guess life can be funny that way.
13. Whenever I am unsure of what to serve for dinner, I eat cookie dough for inspiration. I eat a lot of cookie dough.
14. I am fearful of calories. They are like invisible little Gremlins who have been exposed to water.
15. Conversely, I inhaled ten Keebler fudge stripe cookies in the last two minutes. My Type-A personality empowers me to consume food at a high rate of speed without chewing or tasting it.
16. Dead skin cells freak me out. Even when requested, I will not assist with sunburn shavings. That's what lint rollers are for. And if you do not have a sticky roller, invest in long-handled tweezers.
17. Last but not least, I have been instilled with a nauseating sense of propriety. Technological advances aside, I fear I would have fared better in 19th century England. Plus, I have never been very coordinated in regards to regular sports. I would have been laughable at cricket yet lettered in the perfected English sports of gossip and intrigue.


I think I just made myself laugh. It's good to have oxygen in my air again. Who knew idiosyncrasies could be this much fun?